Scary movie is a scream

Here`s the deal. If you haven`t already seen "Scream 3" in a theater, you shouldn`t watch it on video unless you go right out and catch "Scary Movie" at your local multiplex. Otherwise, you`ll be walking around in a daze wondering, "What was the point of that?"

Seeing the totally crazy Keenen Ivory Wayans spoof "Scary Movie," you begin to understand. "Scream 3" was created so that other movie writers could take parody to a whole new level. "Scream 3" will be the butt of bad-movie jokes for years to come. (The "Scream" series is the giddy foundation on which Wayans built his "Scary Movie.") But it is supposed to be bad, you`re thinking. True, true. But there are so many kinds of bad. (And you can find so many of them in "Scream 3.") In S3, Sydney Prescott (Neve Campbell) is living in a cabin fortress of solitude, far from the maddening crowd of psycho killers.

Father: "You don`t exist."

Sydney: "That`s the idea. Psychos can`t kill what they can`t find."

In this case, when the masked psycho does find her, does he head for the woods, knife in hand? Noooooooooo. He makes a crank call and lures her down to Hollywood - presumably because the movie sets are better. Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox Arquette), meanwhile, is still an overly aggressive TV news sensationalist. She seems oblivious to the really bad hairstyle atop her head, as well as to her job. She doesn`t make one standup news report during the entire movie - even when people are dropping all around her like punctured balloons.

Dewey Riley (David Arquette) still pines for Gale, only now he`s pining in Los Angles, where he is working as a script consultant on "Stab 3, Return to Woodsboro." This sequel within a sequel has recreated Sydney`s house in which the original bloodbath took place. So, what`s a psycho to do? In S3, he (or she) starts murdering the cast of the movie, in the order that they die in the script. Except that there are four versions of the script so no one is sure who is to get it next. But then the majority of the "cast" of "Stab 3" is offed so quickly that the point doesn`t matter after it is made.

This is a "concluding chapter" to a series - an important point apparently because, we`re told, concluding chapters always go back to the beginning and discover something that wasn`t true from the get-go, that anyone can die (including main characters) and that all bets are off. No rules, new situation. Seems like a lot of old rules still apply. Like, always check the basement out alone. And always split up when there is only you, another person and the killer in the house. And always make sure to not kill the killer so he or she can kill again.

There is no real reason to suspect that this is the concluding chapter, as the movie claims - except that it made less money than the previous versions. I`m putting my money on a direct-to-video "Scream: The Reunion" within a couple of years. If only because this is the only real movie work that David Arquette seems to get outside of commercials. But after the skewering this series gets in "Scary Movie," you`d have to be shameless to come up with a "Scream IV." But then, this is Hollywood, where being shameless is considered an asset.ALSO THIS WEEK:

Three Disney Classics make their debut on DVD as part of the Gold Classic Collection: "Mary Poppins," "Alice in Wonderland" and "Robin Hood." Each comes with an assortment of features - "making of" features, games, sing-along songs, original theatrical trailers. The movies are priced $30 for the DVDs, $23 for the VHS version.

"Santitos: Esperanza`s Box of Saints" (Columbia TriStar, R, VHS/rental) - A humorous, magical tale of a woman`s search for her missing child - from her simple village to the rowdy streets of Tijuana, Mexico, to Los Angeles. The widow Esperanza undergoes personal change in the course of her journey, which takes her from meek country girl to the seamy side of life to independence.THE WOODY ALLEN COLLECTION

In comedy, timing is everything. Take for example, the eight-volume "The Woody Allen Collection" from MGM Home Video, which is available in VHS ($100) and DVD ($135), this week. Until recently, this was just a very cool collection of very funny movies. Then the American Film Institute announced the 100 Funniest Movies of all time. Of the five that belong to Allen, four are contained in this set. Now that`s good timing. The four titles are "Annie Hall," "Manhattan," "Bananas" and "Sleepers." The balance of the collection consists of "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask," "Interiors," "Love and Death" and "Stardust Memories." With the exception of "Annie Hall," each of these is being made available on DVD for the first time. The titles are available individually, $15 for VHS and $20 for DVD.COMING ATTRACTIONS:

July 18: The Irish family saga "Angela`s Ashes."

July 25: Leonardo Di Caprio in the thriller "The Beach."

Aug. 8: Sigourney Weaver and Julianne Moore in "A Map of the World."

Aug. 15: The Jim Jarmusch hip-hop samurai mob film "Ghost Dog." Anthony Hopkins in the visually stunning "Titus," based on Shakespeare`s bloodiest play. Rising stars Chris Klein and Leelee Sobieski in "Here on Earth."

Sept. 5: The long wait for "Men in Black" on DVD will be over.

Oct. 17: Animation blockbusters "Toy Story" and "Toy Story 2" will both debut on DVD, according to Video Business magazine. "Toy Story 2" will debut in the VHS format the same day, priced under $27.

(c) Copley News Service

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Author: Robert J. Hawkins